Barbie Gets Banned

Iran passed a law Monday which now prohibits all imports of Barbie dolls. Officials say the dolls have destructive cultural and social consequences in Iran and give the wrong message to children. On the Other hand, the new "Death to America Elmo" and "Suicide Bomber Care Bear" will be hitting the shelves next week.

Paula Being Paula

Last night on American Idol, Paula Abdul made yet another mistake by critiquing one of the contestants on how neither of his two songs were performed well. The only problem was, he only sang ONE song. Paula said she hadn't been that embarrassed since...well...since always.

In her defense, Paula only had eleven of her prescribed twelve medications in her system so it was an honest mistake.

The NFL is Back

The NFL draft took place this weekend, and according to experts, most teams came away with great picks. The Oakland Raiders were said to have the best draft due to the team drafting a parole officer for the fans.

In a related story, to win more games, the Dallas Cowboys traded Jessica Simpson for a box of rocks.

Founding Father Dies

Albert Hofmann, the creator of the mind-altering drug LSD, died at the age of 102. Mourners at his funeral reported looking into his coffin and seeing pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, and blue flying monkeys.

Abbra Kadabra

Magician David Blaine will try to break a world record today by holding his breath for about 17 minutes on the Oprah Winfrey show. David Blaine currently holds the world record for being the most famous magician never to have performed a magic trick.

The Money Is Coming

The IRS says as of today, the first stimulus checks will be arriving for all those who signed up for direct deposit. The government hopes Americans will go out and spend this money in stores everywhere. The good news, this money WILL help stimulate the economy. The bad news, the economy is China's.

You're FIRED

Wildfires burned across California for a forth straight day causing over 1,000 people to flee their homes. Ironically, this was cause for celebration by the homeowners seeing all their homes were foreclosed on last week. Coincidence???

Foreclosures On The Rise

The number of U.S. homes heading toward foreclosure jumped 112% in the first quarter compared to last year. At this rate, people who still own homes will become a minority, which will give Republicans a whole new group of people to hate.

Twister and Shout

Three tornadoes ripped through Virginia on Monday, with one tearing across the southeastern part of the state and leaving behind a 25-mile path of smashed trailer homes and tossed cars. Total damages are estimated to be around $300.

A Little Too Revealing

Fifteen year old "Hannah Montana" star Miley Cyrus is taking heat for posing for some revealing photos in Vanity Fair Magazine. In her defense though, her photos have now lead to 3,289 arrests on “To Catch A Predator.”

Let's Go For A Dip

Bill Haggerty said he heard a thunderous, splashing crash outside his bedroom. He rushed outside only to see a maroon sport utility vehicle with its back end submerged in his swimming pool. Now normally, I would applaud someone who carpools with their SUV, but this is ridiculous.

I wonder, did the GPS keep saying "Turn left, now?" I guess GPS now stands for Going Pool Side

I looked this vehicle up on Carfax.com. It is listed as "Recently cleaned interior"

Who's Ya Mummy?

Detroit police say they've found the partially mummified body of a woman in her 80s on the kitchen floor of a house where her mentally troubled sister was living. Police say the body had been there for one to three years. Many men aren't shocked stating they've lived with a mummified body ever since they got married.

The report goes on to say the family dog survived by munching on the remains. When reached for comment, the dog said she tastes just like chicken.

Self-Gratifiation is Healthy

A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have a lower chance of getting prostate cancer. Now wait a minute, if this were the case, no man would EVER get prostate cancer.

At least now, when the wife walks in on you while you're "punchin' the munchkin," you can say, "Hey hun, I'm just doing this for you and the kids. You want me to be healthy right?"

The Freaks Come Out At Night

CNN reporter Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park with crystal meth, a rope tied around his neck and genitals and with a sex toy in his boot. Or as Rob Lowe calls it, "A typical Saturday night with the nanny."

King-Size Contract

TV host Larry King has just signed a contract extension with CNN through 2010. This gives Larry just enough time to marry and divorce four more women before he retires.

Doesn't Larry look like he should be running around saying, "Me precious. I needs me precious."

Friday Pic of The Week

I guess this is what Hillary means when she says she's in the solutions business.

Blade, Don't Drop The Soap

Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in prison Thursday for failing to file tax returns over the past three years and fines of over $2.5 million. The judge said Snipes should be happy. He could have sentenced him to ten years just based on "Passenger 57" alone.

On The Run!!!

Wildlife officials say fifteen monkeys are on the loose after swimming across their island pond and escaping the facility in Lakeland, Fla. Without missing a beat, Hillary Clinton said she wants their votes counted too.

All fifteen monkeys learned to swim, which they weren't supposed to be able to do. Wow, swimming? What's next, talking? Then driving? Then world domination? Where the hell is Charlton Heston when you need him? Dammmm Dirty Apes!!!

The New Couple - D-Star

Since news broke that Star Jones filed for divorce from Al, she is already being linked to Miami Heat guard Dwayne Wade. The two were recently spotted together at a Miami-area tennis tournament. In D-Wade's defense, he said taking Star to the match was part of his parole's community service program. He now regrets more than ever trying to stab Shaq.

I've Got Your Back...Side

Brian Persaud, the injured construction worker who sued a New York hospital and emergency room staff for giving him an unwanted rectal exam, will not receive any compensation from the hospital according to court records. OK, here goes:

- Wow, he just got a bum wrap.
- The case was not all it was cracked up to be.
- The staff just wanted to anal-yze the situation.
- The doctor just wanted to get to the bottom of thngs.
- The rectal exam is only illegal, if the guy felt two hands on his back.
- Siskel & Ebert saw the tape and gave it "Two Thumbs IN"

Bottoms Up

In London, a man is offering to pay people to drive his grandfather from the nursing home to the local pub to drink with him and get him laid. Paying people to drink and have sex? Don't we already have that in America? It's called Congress.

Who's The Baby Daddy?

DNA testing has started on the more than 400 kids from the polygamist compound in Texas. To save the state massive amounts of money, the fathers of the children said they will come forward voluntarily...after the NBA Finals.

Cash For Grades

Students at Wilby High School in CT who get passing grades on tests will receive cash rewards up to $100. It's alot better than what the students at Oprah Winfrey's African school receive after doing well on tests....sexual harrassment.

Captured at Last

Bin Laden's number two man was captured recently, and surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the military. Apparently, Al-Zarqawi responded to an internet dating ad, and when he showed up to the woman's house, Chris Hanson jumped out of the closet.

Bush on TV?

Last week President Bush made a cameo appearance on "Deal or No Deal." Laura Bush also made her TV debut by hosting an hour on the "Today Show." Now inside reports tell us the Bush twins will be staring in their own TV show, "Law & Order: STD."

Amen!

In Sidney, Ohio, to reach out to new people, a church is now holding it's services in a country western bar. I guess all bars are a religious. Especially on Friday nights...you're always praying to get laid.

Although it would be kind of wierd to hear the Pastor say, "Take this, break, and eat, for this chicken wing is the flesh." I don't think Jesus is supposed to taste like Honey Bar-B-Que.

High Karate

In Tamp, Fl, a Karate instructor was convicted for pleasuring himself in front of his underage students. Prosecutors said they were able to win due in part to the seldom used "Tae Kwon Don't" statute also known as the "Wax On Wax Off" rule.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems, Part II

Britney Spears has been ordered by a judge to pay $372,000 in legal fees to her attorneys for work they have done. Her lawyers said they would gladly allow her to keep the money if she would use it for singing lessons.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya, Tomorrow

Last night, the remaining contestants on American Idol wowed us with their renditions of Broadway show tunes. “I would have done a lot better if they had let me where that dress from ‘Annie’,” said Ryan Seacrest

Keep Hope Alive

Hillary Clinton met expectations last night by winning the Pennsylvania primary last by ten points. Now she moves on to scare the bejeesus out of a whole new state.

During her victory speech, she said she wanted to thank the three people who made her win possible....Hillary.....Rodham....Clinton.

Peace In The Middle East

Former President Jimmy Carter met with Hamas, a terrorist group, and successfully negotiated a peace deal between the group and Israel. President Carter said his next attempt to bring about peace between two bitter rivals will be to sit down with Hillary and Barack.

Ode To Mother Earth

Today is Earth Day. A day in which Mother Earth is celebrated with "green" activities taking place all over the world. What's the worst part about Earth Day? 20,000 trees will be killed to write 10,000 reports about it.

Tag...You're It

A school principal in Los Angeles has banned the game of tag because it promotes intense sexual aggression. He says if children are going to be subjected to intense sexual aggression, it should be by the teachers NOT by other students.

The McView

Cindy McCain is set to co-host "The View" this week. I guess that settles it. John McCain IS in favor of torture.

Failure IS An Option.

A new survey now shows 98 out of 100 people consider the Bush Presidency a complete failure. What about the other two people? Well, the Bush twins were too drunk to respond to the survey.

Women's Lib

Danica Patrick became the first woman to win an Indy Car race this weekend by taking the checkered flag in the Indy Japan 300. What's more impressive, she didn't have to stop and ask for directions to do it.

No word yet if she was putting on her make-up while driving.

Batter Up

A new report shows that only 8% of Major League Baseball players are African-American. The other 92% are....good.

Puff Puff Pass

TMZ is reporting rapper Snoop Dog is coming out with a series of children’s books. The first two are titled, "Horton Hears a Ho," and "Green Eggs and Hemp."

A Holy Trip

The Pope wrapped up his U.S. visit on Sunday by holding mass in New York at Yankee Stadium. He prayed for children, minorities, and the New York Knicks.


TOP FIVE MOST EMBARRASSING THINGS SAID BY PRESIDENT BUSH DURING THE POPE'S VISIT

1. "So, where's the misses?"
2. "You know, last time I saw you, you looked Polish."
3. "And now, the man who puts the ho in holiness... "
4. "These three Catholic priests walked into a bar... "
5. "Now about Iraq, what would Jesus do?"

That's Just Gay

This weekend in San Diego, The Log Cabin Republicans,a group of openly gay politicians, held their national convention. All two of them.

Sen. Larry Craig was scheduled as the guest speaker but for some reason, couldn't make it out the bathroom.

About Damn Time

Alton Logan, a Chicago man, was released from prison after serving 26 years for a crime he didn't commit. I don't think Alton has fully grasped what year it is though. He said the first thing he's going to do is get those jive turkeys who put him away.

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

Residents in the Chicago area felt the aftershocks of a 5.2 magnitude earthquake today which rattled skyscrapers in the downtown Loop section. Bystanders said there hasn't been this much shaking and damage since Oprah jumped up and down for joy.

Bystanders said there hasn't been this much vibration since the Porn Convention last week.

Kids Having Kids

The Texas Polygamists were back in court today where documents provided showed girls were having sex as young as thirteen and having children as young as fifteen. "I don't see a problem with that. Thirteen is middle-age to me," said R-Kelly

Friday Pic of The Week

This poster was recently discovered hanging over the bed of President Bush.

Giving Til It Hurts

Tax records show former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer made over $300,000 last year. Records also show he gave about $30,000 to Charity...and Destiny...and Diamond...and Jesica...etc...etc...etc.

Can You Hear Me Now?

AT&T Inc. on Friday said it plans to cut about 4,600 jobs, or 1.5 percent of its work force due to inefficiency. A company official said this move should help cut those long waits on hold for customer service down to about four hours now.

AT&T said they want to do everything they can to improve service. They are willing to listen to every complaint and hear every argument on what they need to do better. They were even nice enough to supply us with a number you can complain too......1-800-VERIZON.

State of The Troops

In a recent study, roughly one in every five U.S. troops returning from Iraq has some type of mental problem. At least that will be their story after they get their hands on President Bush.

F.A.T. NOT P.H.A.T.

A new survey says that in America, weight discrimination is almost as prevalent as race discrimination if not more so. This discrimination has lead to fat people everywhere organizing the first "Million Mayonaisse March." No word yet if Farrakan will speak.

UPDATE: The "Million Mayonaisse March" was cancelled after participants learned they actually had to march.

Shoot 'Em Up

Florida has just passed a new law allowing people to take their guns to work as long as the gun is in plain view. This should definitely change the mood in those employee evaluation meetings.

In a related story, mid-level management pistol whippings have increased 200%.

Debate Debacle

Since ABC broadcasted the debate last night, it has been receiving harsh criticism for it's one sided and tabloid type questions. An anonymous ABC rep said, " We haven't received this much negative press about a show since we aired "The Crack Chronicles with Whitney Houston."